The clammy hands, the galloping heart, butterflies in the stomach and nausea are so common when you are faced with "the first day". It could be the face day anytime or anywhere - play school, school, college, university, first day at first job, first day at tenth job, first date, first meeting with prospective in laws, first ever trip to a supermarket. "First" for me is disastrous. I say all the wrong things, drink lots of water, want to use the rest room all the time, feel like I am going to throw up when I haven´t eaten much, keep checking for zits or molecules that might have found themselves on my face since the last time I checked it ( that would be every minutes). Overall, I am just babbling and making no sense. The after-effects mind you, are far worse! I revisit every painful detail and cringe. I shouldn´t have said that! I should have said that! Why did I do that? Any by "that" I mean vague stuff like, shaking my feet at ridiculously high speeds, chewing my own lip off, stopping my eyes from blinking so that the other party feels like i am in the room, gripping tightly to anything that I can find- pencils, desk weight, paper, bill, cup... I guess you get the drift. I don´t know why this happens and no matter how much I coach myself to stay calm and think of the positives, my anxiety gets the better of me. I once entered a really huge supermarket without a trolly. I couldn´t find a trolly and I didn´t know whom to ask so I entered and gathered everything that I could in my hands and at the cashier´s counter deposited it with flourish. The confused cashier probably thought I was nuts. Who carries 13 odd items in their hands afterall? I do. "It´s my first day" I wanted to tell her. I am just like that. So don´t ask me and don´t tell me these things. I am sure I will think about this when I get home and cringe. Why, I am writing about it. Which means I am not over the incident yet!
Sigh, " the first day". Looks like I have to live with it. It´s one of those obsessions that will never stop because "the first day" shall always be there for the rest of my life at some point or the other.
